Foxworthy Releases Results of EPA Experiment on Scientists

At a conference on the role of science in governance, Dr. Reynard J. Foxworthy III, recently appointed Acting Top Scientist for Extremely Scientific Stuff at the EPA, released the findings from his study on the effects of recent EPA and Department of Interior policies upon scientists.  These policies forbid recipients of federal research grants from participating in governmental advisory boards.  Citing the Book of Joshua for some reason or other, Director Pruitt told the scientists that they can take the money for the research, or share the benefits of their research by serving on governmental advisory boards, but they can’t do both.

When asked about the rationale for this decision, Dr. Foxworthy explained that it would be totally unfair for the government to get advice on science from the scientists whom the government paid to conduct science.  “It gives them a competitive edge over the poor scientists who have to rely solely on private industry to fund their research. It’s really, really, extremely unfair, believe me.  I mean, how much money do you think the fossil fuel industry has to fund their research into naturally occurring cycles of slightly warmer weather?”

Upon further questioning about the propriety of using the bible to determine governmental policy on science, Foxworthy chortled heartily.  “Why, there’s lots of science in the bible!  In that same Book of Joshua, it states that the Lord made the sun stand still for two days—proof positive that the sun orbits the earth. And if you want proof about the divine origins of the universe, you don’t have to look any farther than Genesis.”

Noting the late hour and his incredibly busy schedule, Dr. Foxworthy declined to answer any questions about Galileo and Stephen Hawking.  Instead, he dived into his findings of his “big, beautiful study.”

“As expected, nearly all the scientists who accepted grants have displayed symptoms of repetitive concussion brain injury, caused by repeatedly hitting their heads against the wall.  Other observed phenomena include insomnia, increased nail biting, and spikes in reported cases of repressed rage syndrome.”

However, the truly surprising findings were associated with the private industry scientists.  A sizable minority of scientists were seen strutting their stuff in their laboratories while singing “I Got Mine.”  However, the majority (52%) suffered symptoms of varying degrees of guilt.  Extreme cases were found sleepwalking, miming the washing of hands, and muttering, “Out, damned Scott. Out, I say!”

Audience members were curious about the methodology employed by Dr. Foxworthy, and some were frankly surprised when Dr. Foxworthy discounted the need for controls or adherence to ethical guidelines for the conduct of research upon human subjects.  Eyebrows were definitely raised when Dr. Foxworthy noted that he wasn’t testing any particular hypothesis, but just thought it would be “kind of fun to mess with those hoity-toity government-funded scientists.”

Dr. Foxworthy has been a figure of controversy since his appointment, not least because he admits that he hasn’t been in a lab since his eleventh grade chemistry class at the New York Military Academy for Troubled Scions.  He earned his doctorate in Really Scientific Creationism from the Holy Smoke! School of Theology, with a dissertation entitled, “The Role of Divine Punishment in Communicable Disease.” He is the author of such scientific works as It’s Faith that Moves Mountains, Not Fracking and The Role of Petrochemical Spills on the Calming of Turbulent Waters.

©2017 D. R. Miller

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