“The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.”
William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
Brothers and Sisters! It is such an honor for me, The Really Reverend Reynard J. Foxworthy, to take this mighty pulpit! It is always exciting to attend the Values Voter Summit, but never more so than this year, when, for the first time ever, we have been blessed by the presence of the President. Wasn’t his speech vowing to protect Judeo-Christian values just the most incredible thing you’ve ever heard? We are truly blessed to have such a powerful advocate who will defend the sanctity of the family, the church, and the proper role of women!
And, speaking of blessings, did you all remember to bring your faith shower caps? That’s right, that’s right. Bring them on up here! Now, all of you remembered to say the special prayer, right? Excellent. And the crisp twenty dollar bill, all rolled up nice and tidy and tucked in along with your prayer concerns? No checks. The Lord don’t accept checks. Just cold, hard, cash. Wonderful. That’s right. Just bring ‘em on up. Remember what the good book says: “There will be showers of blessings!” Ezekiel 34:26. Good ol’ Ezekiel. And Acts 20:35! “It is more blessed to give than to receive!” Remember! The more you give, the more blessings you receive! Thank you, thank you!
Whew! That sure is a powerful pile of shower caps, folks! God bless you! I mean that, from the bottom of my heart! I know that you are a holy people! I can bank on that!
That sure is a bright spot! A bright spot in these dark days. Oh, yes, Lord, these are dark times. There are dark murmurings. Portents. Omens. Unchristian malcontents muttering about our blessed, blessed president. Ho-mo-sex-u-als. Mus-lims. Lib-er-als. Fem-in-ists. Sinners, all of them! But you, my brothers and sisters, you are the bright light in the dark, dark world. The light under the bushel!
Yes! The Christian Union of Nationalist Trumpites is a veritable house of Lot in the middle of Sodom AND Gomorrah! A pure white herd of fat, juicy sheep in the midst of wolves and scavengers! Alleluia!
Now, there are some who will tell you that our president is not a good man! That a twice divorced man who admits on tape to committing sexual assaults, has alleged Mafia ties, bamboozles his students at his “university”, and refuses to pay his subcontractors , to name but a few transgressions, must be one of those wolves! Well, that might be!
But let me ask you this: Who would be better at protecting a sheep than a wolf? And not any old wolf, but a wolf who knows every trick in the sheep-fleecing book, yet has mended his ways, has seen the awful wrongness of his sins, and has crept back to the fold? I have laid these hands on Donald Trump, brothers and sisters, and I know just how real his contrition is. I felt that he was my brother, and that, deep down, he was just like me. I’m telling you, folks, Donald Trump is part of God’s plan! It’s right there in the Bible! “The wolf will live with the lamb”! Isaiah 11:6. I sure do love that Isaiah!
Of course, there are some who think I shouldn’t be talking about our president up here from my pulpit. Some, like those pawns of Satan at the IRS, think our blessed Christian Union should lose its tax exempt status just because I am exercising my first amendment rights by using my sermons to persuade you to vote in a certain way so as to benefit our blessed denomination. But I had a vision, beloved friends! I saw the very paper on which that rule was first penned eternally burning in the fiery pits of Hell! And do you know who I saw lighting the first match? That’s right! Our president, Donald J. Trump, Sr.!
Now, I was out in the concession stand, signing copies of my book, and I heard some of you chewing the fat over what the president did to Obamacare (or, as I like to call it, NO!-bamacare)! You heard all the fake news about the $200 billion it will add to the federal deficit, and how millions of poor and middle class people, people just like yourselves, won’t be able to afford to pay for health insurance, especially if they have a pre-existing condition. You might be worried that your kids could pay thousands of dollars into a health insurance plan that seems real cheap but don’t cover squat, or has eye-watering deductibles.
But don’t worry! Remember what Jesus said about worrying! “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26. Trust me, you are much, much more valuable than a sparrow! You are precious treasure, believe me!
And even if all this fake news is true, which it isn’t, you need to ask yourself: how does this fit in with God’s plan?
Now, you know that God’s plan isn’t always the most obvious thing in the world. Like my old pappy, the Reverend Billy-Todd Foxworthy, used to say to me, “Reynard, God has the damnedest sense of humor sometimes.” Amen! But if you try real hard, sometimes you can figure it out. And folks, I think I’ve cracked the code!
Remember what Jesus said: “Blessed are the poor!” Luke 6:20. My favorite gospel, that Luke! Well, think about it. If Trump makes more people poor, isn’t he actually spreading God’s blessing? After all, if it’s “easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God,” then isn’t President Trump opening up heaven’s gates to more people? And isn’t that a miracle? Glory!
So don’t believe what that lying Whore of Babylon Rachel Maddow says about the President. And remember: your gifts of time, talent, and especially treasure to the Christian Union of Nationalist Trumpites help us carry out God’s mission.
Now, please turn to page 666 of the hymnal, and join me as we sing the offering hymn “Lord, Thou Lov’st the Cheerful Giver.”
©D. R. Miller 2017
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